“You do too, sweetheart,” he said. “Give yourself a second chance. Leave this life. Stop boozing. See a counsellor. Do something.”

And of course she could have done all that, but the rot within her had reached the point of no return. The putrid and tainted thing that was her soul could not be saved either by self-help or therapy.

13

Sandra

ERIK WAS ALREADY ASLEEP and Sandra was also tempted to go to bed. It had been a long day, and after the health and development review at preschool all she had wanted to do was cry. “Erik is certainly advanced verbally, but that doesn’t mean he can dominate the other children however he likes. Little Igor, who is not as advanced in his development, felt crushed and that he needed to be seen and heard too. Biting is naturally not a good way to resolve conflicts, but nor is Erik’s bullying, and as for a bite mark here or there—what does it matter, when a mental sucker punch so easily leaves its marks on the spirit and brain? The bruise will fade and disappear, but little Igor’s self-confidence isn’t as resilient—Erik’s verbal terrorising might leave its mark for life. More physical emotional behaviour can be dealt with—it leaves visible traces and is more honest. The psychological violence that Erik uses is far more refined, and harder both to discover and to deal with.”

Bullying and psychological violence? Erik was a friendly soul who liked to talk. He would never resort to physical violence, but if someone jumped on him, if someone hit or bit him, then of course he would respond. With words. Sandra knew that “little Igor” was in Erik’s face all the time, and that Erik was trying to defend himself. She also knew that the principal, who had a grandchild rather like Igor and of a similar age to the boys, struggled to tolerate Erik’s “advanced” nature, as she described it when she was at her friendliest. Mostly, she referred to him as being “little but old,” which sounded disparaging without being an actual insult that anyone could criticise her for using.

Igor was used to getting his way and used his fists if he didn’t, and his parents were idiots. (Who even called their child Igor? Someone cheerfully looking forward to the impending Russian invasion of the island?) The head of school was a manipulative cow. Nevertheless—or perhaps precisely because of that—Sandra had, as usual, simply sat there and listened without making any objections. Of course she would speak to Erik and of course she would try to tone down his “cockiness” and remove those so-called bullying tendencies. That was what she had said, but not what she was planning to do. Erik was no bully; he was empathetic and considerate, and she would never dream of imprinting on him those characteristics that she most hated about herself.

She was ashamed. Sandra didn’t want to be a weak parent who couldn’t stand up for her child. It would have been wonderful to share parenthood with someone, but things were the way they were, and she couldn’t very well bring her father to parents’ meetings at preschool. Or her mother, which would make no difference anyway since her mother was almost as compliant as she was.