I resisted the temptation to go round to the house at the back, knock on the door, and under the spurious guise of a neighbour with a carpet moth invasion ask to see her top-floor bedrooms, since strangely, those were the only ones affected in mine and my immediate neighbour’s house, and we wondered if it was endemic and the work of some well-drilled moth army who started at the top and worked down? I resisted, because although I hadn’t believed Amanda, I realized the last thing I needed to do was draw attention to myself. I was calming down a bit. Gaining a sense of perspective. It wasn’t that the view from the study had been in any way definitive or had eased my mind; more that speaking to a rational human being had made me realize I was overreacting here. Fear was often born of wild imaginings, I knew that. The mind was capable of terrible tricks, but the great thing was, to resist them. I felt a lot more like my old self having talked to Josh. I did feel very cold, though; shivery now that the rivers of sweat had dried, and I turned the car heating on full. As I wound my way through the London traffic I reached into the glove compartment and found the last remaining toffee. I sucked it, realizing I’d barely touched my lunch.

It had occurred to me, though, that moth notion; and I wondered, as I crawled in heavy traffic up the Fulham Palace Road, if that was what got me into so much trouble. My vivid imagination. Because even as Michael lay dying at my feet, one of those very cases Josh had mentioned, the wife with the hammer, had occurred to me too and I’d already visualized myself turning up in court, flanked by my white faced, supportive children, in a plain, navy blue suit and cream shirt, although not entirely plain, perhaps with some sort of detail on the collar. A scalloped edge, maybe. That’s how far ahead of myself I can get. How far into another world. Interesting, though, that as I’d sat there, picturing the court case, I’d still considered it to be worth it. Letting him go. Even as I imagined the consequences. Would I do it again? Fail to call for medical assistance? I honestly don’t think I can answer that. Yes, probably. It was just such a relief to be without him, you see. Waking up every morning and not feeling afraid.