Cover

PROLOGUE

ANNA

PAST

Derek’s voice cut through the car at a decibel that endangered our eardrums.

“D, noooooo,” I begged.

He only cast his gaze in my direction, belting out lyrics I could barely make out about wanting to know what love was.

I couldn’t help the laughter that escaped. Even on the worst days, the ones where I thought I might drown with the weight balanced on my shoulders, he could always make me laugh.

I reached over and took the hand currently drumming a beat on his thigh. A hand I knew better than any other. Each callus and scar. Every bump and ridge. The familiarity brought a sense of comfort I couldn’t find anywhere else. I linked my fingers with his.

“Love you, D.”

His singing trailed off, and he gripped my hand tighter. “I’d do anything for you, Angel.”

“I know.” That kind of gift for someone like me…it was everything.

Lights flashed behind us, and Derek’s gaze snapped to the rearview mirror.

I swiveled to look. The cop car definitely had us in its sights. I glanced at the odometer. He was only five over the limit. “They probably just want to give you a warning.”

Derek didn’t say a word, and he didn’t pull over.

“Derek?”

“Can’t get pulled over.”

My heart picked up its pace. “Why not?”

He didn’t look away from the road in front of us as he pressed his foot down on the gas pedal. “I’m sorry, Anna.”

Cascading red and blue. I concentrated on the way the colors blended from one into the next. As my vision went unfocused, the two almost melded into purple. I wanted to fall into that new color, hoping it would take me somewhere else. Anywhere but here.

I found myself leaning towards it, but the bite of the handcuffs around my wrists brought me out of the haze. The little bit of numbness that meant blessed relief from the panic fled with it. The thrum of my pulse picked up again.

“Anna,” Derek hissed.

I didn’t turn to look at him. Couldn’t. Not when I watched as three police officers unloaded an array of what I knew had to be drugs from the trunk of his car. A car that had been the scene of so many firsts for me: Date. Kiss. Whispered “I love you.” A car that had been my refuge from a home I would’ve given anything to escape.

How did the same ton of metal I’d once seen as a lifeline now seem like the weight that would drag me under? I swallowed against the burn rising in my throat as one of the cops lifted another bag and pointed at me. It was the rocker Hello Kitty makeup bag I’d left at Derek’s a few months ago. I’d brought over some toiletries to have on hand after he finally got an apartment.

My parents didn’t know that he had his own place now. But they knew almost nothing about me and hated what they could see. Perhaps they had been right to feel that way. Maybe I was reckless. And now, I was going to add moron on top of it. Because inside that makeup bag with the skulls I had thought were so cute were little baggies filled with pills.

“What did you do?” The words ripped out of me without my permission.

“I’m so sorry,” he whispered. “I needed money to get the apartment. We needed it, Angel.”

“Quiet,” one of the cops barked, moving closer to cut off any conversation.

That was for the best. Because no excuse I heard from the boy I loved would cut it. The boy who had always been my safe place. Who now was anything but.

“Get them loaded up. Separate cars. I don’t want them talking,” an older cop told the one standing between us.

The younger one bent, grabbed hold of my arm, and tugged me to my feet. “Come on.”

I went without argument or complaint. I didn’t say a word as he forced my head down and shoved me into the back of the squad car. I didn’t cry out when the metal of the cuffs bit into my skin, tearing at it. I stared straight ahead as we pulled away, and I didn’t once look back at the boy I loved with everything I had.

“Do you really think the cuffs need to stay on?” A man dressed in khakis and a button-down scowled at the officer standing next to my chair.

“Do you want to see photos of the stash we pulled from her and her boyfriend’s car? They could’ve kept the whole county high for weeks.”

“Uncuff her, McAdams,” the older man ordered.

The cop grumbled something under his breath but did as he was told. I felt blessed relief as the metal dropped away from my wrists. I brought my arms around, rubbing at the red marks.

The older man scowled as he took in the abraded skin. “You’re done here, McAdams.”

“Happy to be,” the officer spat as he left the interrogation room.

The man eased himself into a chair opposite me. He folded his hands, letting them rest on the table. The gold of his wedding band glinted against the dark brown of his skin. “Would you like some water?”

“No, thank you.”

“You let me know if that changes. I’m Detective Markum. You’re in some pretty serious trouble. But I’d like to help you as much as I can.”

The burn was back in my throat. And no amount of swallowing alleviated the pain. “Did you call my parents?”

“I did. They weren’t home, but I left a message with your sister for them to call me as soon as they return.”

Date night. Their ritual where they left their cell phones at home and went out together. I glanced at the clock on the wall. I had at least another thirty minutes of respite before they returned. Thirty minutes before the hammer came down.

I could already feel the sting of the slap. The burn of the punch that would land somewhere on my torso—anywhere clothing would cover. Never on the face. The one time he’d been overzealous and had broken several ribs, my mother had invented a story about me jumping on my bed and taking a tumble. The hospital had believed it hook, line, and sinker.

“Anna, did you hear me?”

Detective Markum’s voice brought me out of the memory. “Sorry, what?”

“You can wait until you’ve spoken with them to talk to me.”

I shook my head. I didn’t want to wait. I wanted to hurry up and get this over with. The conversation. The punishment that would come after my parents picked me up. Everything. “I’ll tell you anything you want. But I don’t think I know much.”

Markum nodded slowly. “That’s not what Derek is saying.”

I stiffened at the way the detective said my boyfriend’s name. As if it were a bomb just waiting to go off. “What did he say?”

“He said the drugs were yours. Said he was just holding them for you.”

“What?!” The word came out on a panicked shriek. “I’ve never even done drugs.” Sure, I drank at parties, but every time Derek smoked pot or took a pill, I always declined.

“Evidence is pointing to you both being involved.”

My breaths started coming faster, one after the other. Each one seemed to tumble over the last with the urge to get out and be free. “I-I’m not. I didn’t.” My fingers began to tingle as I struggled to suck in air.

Markum rose, coming around the table. “Easy now. Just breathe. Nice and slow. Follow me.”

He took a long, slow breath, raising his hand with his inhale and lowering it with his exhale. I tried to follow him, but it took several tries before I could. After a few minutes, the tingling in my hands started to retreat. “Sorry,” I mumbled.

He patted my shoulder. “No need to apologize. We’re going to figure this out. We just have to take it one step at a time.”

“Test me.” I straightened at the genius of the thought. “You guys can do that, right? I can pee in a cup or give you some of my hair.”

“We’ll do that. And if it’s negative—”

“It will be.”

“Then that will be in your favor.” Markum pulled out a little notepad and pen from his pocket. “But right now, I need you to tell me about Derek. Did you know he was involved in drugs?”

I stared down at the table as if it held all the answers in the world.

“I can’t help you if you don’t tell me the truth.”

I looked up at the detective. “Pot and some pills. I don’t know what they were. Usually, just at parties…at least, that’s what I thought.” But apparently there were all sorts of things I didn’t know about my boyfriend.

“How long have you been together?”

“Since I was fourteen, and he was sixteen.” A lifetime in teenage years. Longer than any of our friends. We were simply waiting for my eighteenth birthday so I could move in with him. So that I could be free. I had the two-and-a-half-year countdown on my calendar at home.

Markum jotted down something on his notepad. “And when did he start using?”

“I think he always smoked pot. I mean, he started before I met him.” He’d hidden it from me for a while, and then one night at a get-together with some friends, he’d taken the joint someone offered him. He hadn’t even asked me if I wanted it. He knew better. But that was how everything had gone. A slow evolution. Before I knew it, the parties were more frequent, and there was pressure for me to join him on the ride.

“Have you ever seen him dealing?”

“Never. I—” My words cut off as I thought about all of the times he’d had to drop something off at friends’ houses when we were out and about. Friends that I didn’t know or recognize. Times when he kissed me and told me he’d be right back. “Oh, God. I’m such an idiot.”

I could hear my father’s voice in my head. “I don’t know how you’re my daughter. Insolent and stupid. Why can’t you be more like Chelsea?” My sister broke her back to make sure she never displeased our dad. She rarely found herself on the receiving end of his fists. But his cruelty only made me want to rebel more.

Markum bent to meet my gaze. “You’re not an idiot. You put your trust in someone you shouldn’t have.”

“What’s going to happen to me?”

“That’s what we’re going to figure out. I’m going to talk to the district attorney and your parents. If you cooperate like you are now, I’m hoping the charges will be minimal.”

Charges. That meant court. Maybe jail. Some sort of juvenile facility? My breaths started coming quicker again.

A knock sounded on the door, and a female officer poked her head in. “You’ve got a call, Markum.”

He looked at me. “I’ll be right back. Officer Stapleton will wait with you.”

Thankfully, she didn’t try to make conversation. I closed my eyes and pictured the way Detective Markum had breathed. I counted to five as I inhaled and then out to five with the exhale. Any time I saw Derek’s face in my mind, felt the way his arms had always made me feel so safe, I shoved it out. Any time I began to panic about judges and jails, I counted my breaths.

The door squeaked as it swung into the room, and my eyes flew open. Markum had a pretty good poker face, but I could still see the lines of concern. I dug my fingers into my thighs. “What is it?”

“I spoke with your father.”

My nails bit into the denim. “What did he say?”

“He and your mother declined to come down to the station or to get you a lawyer.”

My eyes shut again for the briefest of moments. I had expected a silently seething father and a mother with disappointment in her eyes. But still, parents with a lawyer in tow. “They’re not coming?”

“No.”

“So, what happens to me now?”

Markum shifted on his feet. “I can call a court-appointed lawyer for you, but unless you have someone who can post bail, I’m afraid you’ll have to stay in holding for tonight, at least.”

Derek. He was the person I would’ve called. The one I could always count on. Yet he was sitting a few rooms over, betraying me to anyone who would listen. Selling our love in hopes of getting off scot-free.

“Is there someone else I can call? A grandparent or aunt?”

I stared down at my hands, saw the red marks from the handcuffs, my peeling purple nail polish, the fraying tear in the knee of my jeans. “No, there’s no one you can call.” Because I was completely and totally alone.

1

ANNA

PRESENT

“Are you wearing your mesh glove, Kenz? I don’t want you to lose a finger.”

Kennedy let out an exasperated sigh. “I’m not going to chop off a finger.”

I set my knife down on the cutting board and turned to face my friend. “Do you not remember that hot man of yours gluing your finger closed after you sliced it open?”

“That was one time. I swear, neither of you will let me live it down.”

I couldn’t help the laugh that bubbled out of me. “You’re lucky we let you back here after all the near disasters you’ve had.” But I had to admit it was nice to have her here again. Being the head honcho of the Community Center meant she was in charge of all the big-picture stuff and had less time to be in the trenches with me. So, when we got afternoons like this one where we cooked for the shelter’s thirty or so residents, I soaked them up.

“Traitors,” she grumbled under her breath.

“Traitors who care about keeping all of your fingers and toes firmly attached.”

“Yeah, yeah. You’re just lucky I love you both.”

“Good thing because you’re stuck with me for life.”

My phone buzzed in my back pocket. I quickly wiped my hands on a towel and pulled it out. Being permanently attached to my phone was just one of the requirements of being head of Hope House. The shelter could have any number of emergencies pop up at any time, and I had to be ready to put out the fires.

The corners of my mouth tipped up as I saw my sister’s name on the screen.

Chelsea: How are the hooligans? Making you pull out your hair yet?

Me: I bribed them with beer and cigarettes. That seemed to do the trick.

There was a pause for at least thirty seconds, and I started to question if we were ready for those kinds of jokes. It had taken us a long time to get back to a place where we could be in each other’s lives, where Chelsea believed my truth about what had really happened all of those years ago. The fact that she was moving to Sutter Lake and trusting me with her kids while she wrapped up her life in Portland was a huge step.

Chelsea: Don’t waste the good stuff on them. Natty Light is all they need.

A laugh burst out of me, startling Kennedy. She let out a rather creative curse. “If you don’t want me to lose a finger, don’t scare me like that.”

“Sorry.”

“Who is it, anyway? New boyfriend?” She waggled her eyebrows in my direction.

I rolled my eyes and shoved my phone back into my pocket. Boyfriends had not been on the docket for me. Not since my first and last had landed me in juvenile detention for two and a half years. I’d gone on dates here and there, but it never quite seemed worth the risk. And I’d had other things to worry about—like staying alive.

“It was Chelsea, checking on Lyla and Justin.”

“Where are they, anyway?”

“They’re helping watch the younger ones on the playground.” There was little that made me happier than seeing my niece and nephew fall in love with the shelter. From the first time they’d visited with Chelsea, staying in my small cottage at the back of the property, they had simply understood the special nature of Hope House. And they always wanted to help.

Kennedy dumped a pile of carrots into the pot that would be beef stew in a few hours. “They have a way with them. It’s not typical for an eleven-year-old boy to be so eager to play babysitter.”

“Justin has a tender heart under that preteen bravado.”

A gentle smile stretched across Kennedy’s face. “You’re right there. And Lyla is the sister all the little girls wish they had.”

I chuckled as I remembered the gymnastics camp my niece had held yesterday afternoon. She’d taught cartwheels, handstands, and other things I didn’t know the names of. “The gymnastics teacher over in the rec center asked if she could hire her.”

“It’s not a bad idea. She’s got the touch.”

I poured my pile of veggies into the pot and turned down the heat. “Okay, this just needs to simmer for a few hours. Want to go find the munchkins, or do you need to get home to Cain?”

Kennedy took off her apron, hanging it on a peg. “I’m with you this afternoon.”

I hung my apron up by hers and headed for the door. “How is Mr. Tall-Dark-and-Handsome?”

The goofy smile that stretched across Kennedy’s face had me averting my gaze. “He’s good. Busy. They’re about to start on a big new project.”

Kennedy’s husband had built a second headquarters for his security company in Sutter Lake. Halo was one of the best in the business and had brought a lot of new jobs into the community. “That’s exciting.”

“I don’t understand a word he says when he’s talking about it, but it’s adorable how excited he gets.”

I snickered as I pulled open one of the double doors that led to a massive outdoor space with a playground, sports fields, and a picnic area. “Somehow, I don’t think Cain would appreciate being called ‘adorable.’”

Kennedy bit her lip. “Probably not. Better to only call him that behind his back.”

“Smart woman.” My steps faltered as I took in the scene on the playground. Kids ran around screaming and laughing, a whirling flash of limbs as Justin chased them. But in the center of it all, a tall man held Lyla and another little girl upside down by one ankle each as they cackled. “What’s he thinking?” I asked as I started towards the fray.

Kennedy caught my arm. “Mason?”

“Yes, Mason. That’s dangerous. One of them could fall and get seriously hurt.” I could only imagine how injuring one of her children would halt the progress of my slowly mending relationship with Chelsea.

Kennedy’s lips twitched. “He’s like six-foot-four and has muscles for days. I’m pretty sure Mase isn’t going to drop them.”

My cheeks heated. I knew what he looked like. It was the kind of size that was hard to ignore. But he was always gentle and unassuming as he moved through the shelter, as if he understood that his size could be intimidating to the women and children there—people who had fled situations where size had been used to terrorize. “It doesn’t matter how many muscles he has. Accidents happen.”

She sobered, studying my face. “What is it with you and him?”

I clamped my mouth shut. It was impossible to explain just how or why Mason Decker got on every last nerve I had. “He…he’s too nice.”

A laugh bubbled up out of Kennedy, building on itself until she had to brace an arm on my shoulder to hold herself upright. “I’m sorry, did you say he’s too nice?”

I scowled in her direction. “No one’s that nice all the time. It’s weird.”

She patted my shoulder. “Oh, my paranoid friend. It’s no wonder you and Cain get along so well. You both think everyone is a potential serial killer.”

“Hey, if you would listen to those true crime podcasts I keep sending you, you would, too.” I kept my tone light, but pain lit a path along my sternum. A sensation carved by all the stories I’d heard in juvie. All of the things I’d seen. Hellish nightmares that would never leave. I knew that the worst of humanity could hide under a pleasant expression. Worse, it could hide under a face you’d always trusted.

Kennedy wrapped an arm around my shoulders. “I think it might be time for a breather from the creepy podcasts.”

“One woman’s creepy is another woman’s Zen.”

“That’s really messed up.”

“Anna! Anna! Did you see? I was upside down, and Mase made me fly.” Lyla ran at me, crashing into my middle and wrapping her arms around me with an oomph.

“I did see. Looked like…fun.” Incredibly dangerous fun, but at least she’d have a high before her concussion.

“Hey, Kenz. Anna.”

I looked up from my niece’s face to meet swirling hazel eyes. Something about the dance between gold and green was hypnotizing, which only annoyed me more.

“Hey, Mason,” Kennedy greeted.

I nodded in his direction. “Mason.”

The corner of his mouth quirked. “I’ve told you time and again, call me Mase.”

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