PRODUCER: Who doesn’t? So tell us, Arty. What’s the dream?

101 DAYS

Cue exercise montage.

‘Eye of the Tiger’ (or some other inspirational overcoming adversity song) plays.

ARTY, looking very determined, ties a bandana around his forehead.

93 DAYS

Projection: 387.73 kilograms

He does weightlifting.

85 DAYS

Projection: 382.27 kilograms

His exercise becomes increasingly more difficult with squats.

75 DAYS

Projection: 376.82 kilograms

JOJO looks on bewildered.

ARTY practically dances around his mother with a full step routine in time with the music.

56 DAYS

Projection: 377.73 kilograms

ARTY bench presses JOJO.

He drops his mother when he notes that he’s actually gained weight.

48 DAYS

379.55 kilograms

ARTY cannot believe his weight gain.

Routine winds down as music fades.

43 DAYS

DOCUMENTARY VOICE-OVER: Arthur needs to get down to at least 360 kilograms before he can undertake surgery. With only six weeks to go, Arthur has actually been gaining weight.

ARTY: I don’t understand.

JOJO: He’s been trying so hard, haven’t you, Moon?

ARTY: I haven’t cheated. I know everyone thinks I have but I haven’t! I swear this time I’ve been good. I just… don’t understand.

DOCUMENTARY VOICE-OVER: Sticking to a strict diet and exercise regime means Arthur should be losing approximately 10 kilograms a week. But the scales don’t lie.

ARTY: If they have to delay the surgery… My life can’t start until it’s done and if I miss this chance…

JOJO: Shh, pet, mama bear’s here, love. She’ll make it right, I promise.

38 DAYS

ARTY and JOJO are seated in front of the telly.

ARTY is reading How to Win Friends and Influence People.

PRODUCER: Zoom in on what our potatoes are watching

Another fucking cooking competition

Extreme close-ups of pink lamb and earthy beetroot with a red wine jus and strawberry tart and figs wrapped in Parma ham and truffe ravioli

C-grade celebrity blonde who left Summer Bay three years ago, in a crimson bikini

I lost 15 kilos in just 16 weeks! I ate five times a day. Now that’s a plan I can follow. Call Jenny!

Close-up of hands massaging thyme butter into pheasant in a picture-postcard village and a toothless farmer raising a tumbler of red to the camera

Doe-eyed, peaches-and-cream, naughty goddess dribbling a finger smothered in whipped double cream across her pouting lips

Cheeky giggle as it drops into the milky folds of her soft white breasts

‘I want to make love to this cheese’

And who doesn’t?

Jamie Oliver looking a dickhead—

ARTY: Mum! I’m reading!

ARTY takes the remote and turns off the telly.

JOJO: But we always watch telly at this time.

ARTY: Not when I’m only allowed protein shakes we don’t.

JOJO: You hungry, love?

ARTY: No.

JOJO: You sure?

ARTY: Mum!

JOJO: Sorry, sorry.

ARTY: Don’t nag. It doesn’t make for a happy home life.

JOJO: But we are happy.