This gut will barely have the power to demand a Tic Tac

This beast has been tamed.

PRODUCER: Cue success stories

DOCUMENTARY VOICE-OVER: Lorraine had gastric bypass surgery four years ago. She has lost more than 115 kilograms.

LORRAINE: It’s changed my life! I can use tampons now! Do you know what a nightmare tampons are when you’re 43 stone?

PRODUCER: Cut to

Before and after photos

Before—Lorraine, an unrecognisable blimp in a black tent dress

After—Lorraine and her 15-year-old-daughter grinning like a pair of loons, each standing in a leg of Lorraine’s former big jeans

LORRAINE: It’s my turn. I’ve always been the galumfa on the sidelines. Miss Bubbly Personality. It’s my turn to be beautiful. To dance, flirt, wear high heels. I have 400 pairs of shoes now and I’m never going to be the fat girl again. Never.

DOCUMENTARY VOICE-OVER: This surgery kills one out of every 100 within 30 days of being on the operating table.

DR FINKELSTEIN: All surgery involves risk, okay? This is a quality-of-life issue. You look at this young man, how he’s living… Do you know he’s actually malnourished? All those calories and he’s no better off than some Sudanese orphan—that’s tragic, that’s pathetic. And you ask if the risk is worth it?

PRODUCER: Cue horror stories

DOCUMENTARY VOICE-OVER: Stephanie’s thighs have become infected as a result of the surgery she had to remove excess skin.

PRODUCER: Cut to

Extreme close-up of her pixelated vagina and inner thighs eaten away to the bone by black-green pus

Hear the viewers at home gasp in horror, peering at the TV through splayed fingers

DOCUMENTARY VOICE-OVER: She has just been told that she may lose both her legs.

STEPHANIE: You think you’re gonna lose this weight quickly and be a beautiful swan. Doesn’t work that way. There’s a lot of pain and suffering and agony and you hope it better be worth it.

PRODUCER: Cut to

A near-naked Stephanie post-gastric bypass, pre-cosmetic surgery

Buckets of sagging skin, tucked into her knickers, hang down to her knees

What used to be her breasts are now empty pouches at her navel

Zoom in on the violently bouncing pelican gulls suspended from her arms and thighs

STEPHANIE: My pre-op pysch assessment, the psychologist, this twig, she asks, ‘So why do you want a lower body lift?’ So I just dropped my pants and the look on her face. She approved the surgery. What’s that?

Beat.

I got kids so I’m not allowed to wanna die.

157 DAYS

LOUISE: Do you want to die, Arthur?

ARTY: In the life Arty’s living outside his head

He is not a daredevil rogue agent or the Scrabble world champion spiralling out of control on a cocktail of success, drugs and loose women

He’s not even a poxy reject from ‘Big Brother’

He’s Arthur Arthur

The 401-kilogram boy with his hand caught in the cookie jar.