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Back Barrel Fever
Chapters (20)
  1. Barrel Fever
  2. Barrel Fever
  3. Barrel Fever
  4. Barrel Fever
  5. Barrel Fever
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  20. Barrel Fever

The following morning I presented my case to Vicki, who said she’d bring it up with Marty when the time was right. I spent the next two nights in their backyard before he decided I could stay in the garage. It doesn’t have any heat but at least it’s dry. I ran an extension cord in from the house so now I can choose between having a lamp or the broken TV, which has sound but no picture, just a snowy gray screen that I find I can’t take my eyes off.

Marty Jr. can walk now. He can even think. If you point and say, “Bring me the book, Baby, bring me the book,” he will do it. When you ask, “Where’s Big Bird?” Marty Jr. will toddle over and pound on the TV set, hoping to drive him out. He’s not stupid far from it. Soon he will speak and I have been working to coach him. Everything I touch I hold up and name in an instructive tone of voice. “Cushion,” I’ll say. “Ashtray.” “Can opener.” I do this only in the daytime, when Marty’s not around. Last Sunday, at dinner, he started making fun of me. He picked up his fork and turned to the baby saying, “Douche Bag.” Then he pointed at me and said, “Dip Shit. Dip Shit.”

Marty Jr. clapped his hands together and said, “Dishyt, Dishyt.”

I thought Vicki and Marty would never stop laughing. They patted Marty Jr. on the head, and he said it again: “Dishyt.” It burned me up that he might turn on me like that. He said it once more while I was putting him to bed and I took the meat of his thigh and twisted it between my fingers.

A few weeks after I moved in, Marty caught the baby making a long-distance call. It was just dumb luck he punched in some numbers and made a connection. When Marty took the phone out of the baby’s hand, he found himself speaking to a woman who kept saying, “C’est toi Julien? . . . C’est toi?”

Marty thought the baby had dialed China. Vicki said it sounded like Hawaii to her.

Marty said, “Hawaii, China, or Puerto Rico, what the hell difference does it make? I’m the one who’s stuck paying for it and, in case you haven’t noticed, I am not made of money. Is that what you thought, that I’m made of money?”

Vicki said, “No, sir, I do not.”

Marty Jr., on a roll, gurgled and dialed 911.