“I’m so happy you all could make it to Baltimore this year to join me on one of the happiest days of my life. As you all know, my youngest daughter Sheree announced almost a month ago that she is getting engaged to a very fine young man from Philadelphia. And in keeping with our family tradition, we wanted to welcome him into our family in advance, giving him a chance to meet everybody, and one final chance to back out before we all started spending our money on gifts.” The whole room erupted in laughter. My mother was a ham and loved being the center of attention.

“And my oldest daughter, who is also Sheree’s maid of honor, has an announcement to make of her own. So, without any further ado, I present to you Montana.”

Almost instantly the whole room broke out in cheers and a standing ovation as I reached the podium and approached my mother, who leaned over and whispered into my ear while still faking a smile.

“Don’t make an ass out of yourself. And don’t look at me that way. Ass is in the Bible.” Smiling and waving, she stepped down from the podium, leaving me alone.

As I approached the microphone, you could hear the sound of a pin drop as everyone in the room sat with anticipation, eager to hear my announcement. As I grabbed the microphone, the bracelet swung around my wrist, causing the entire room to gasp. Noticing William walking into the back of the room, I began talking, trying to buy myself a few minutes before my date arrived. Looking at the clock on the wall, it was 9:06.

“So, everybody’s here and safe and sound and in one piece. That’s good. It’s always important to be in one piece. Because if you’re not in one piece, then you’re in many pieces and that is definitely not good. Unless of course, you’re a slice of pizza.” Laughing to myself. “Get it? Slice of pizza…” The room was dead silent, and the faces of my family were expressionless. My first joke had bombed. “So, I probably should first tell you a little bit about Sheree and why she picked me as her maid of honor. Okay. My relationship with Sheree started even before she was born when I used to talk to her through my mother’s stomach.” That went on for the next ten minutes and still my date hadn’t arrived. It was now 9:16. I continued babbling. “Then, finally, she learned how to talk, and believe you me she hasn’t stopped talking since.” Again, another bombed joke. My family was beginning to grow restless, as my stage performance was dying a slow and painful death.