Captain Kirk (flicking open his communicator): ‘Beam us up, Scotty.’
Patrick opened the packet of heroin and, in too much of a hurry to make another fix, simply tipped some of it onto the glass which protected the surface of the table.
Indignant Eric (knowingly): ‘Oh, typical, faced with a problem: take more heroin. Basically, the ultimate self-perpetuating system.’
Pulling a banknote out of his pocket, Patrick sat down and stooped over the table.
Captain Languid: ‘I say, Sergeant, shut those fellows up, will you?’
Sergeant: ‘Don’t worry, sir, we’ll bring them under control. They’re nothing but a bunch of fuzzywuzzies, black-souled bastards, sir, never seen a Gatling in their miserable, godless lives, sir.’
Captain Languid: ‘Well done, Sergeant.’
Patrick sniffed up the powder, threw his head back, and inhaled deeply through his nose.
Sergeant: ‘Allow me to take the brunt of the impact, sir.’ (Groans, a spear lodged in his chest.)
Captain Languid: ‘Oh, thank you . . . um . . .’
Sergeant: ‘Wilson, sir.’
Captain Languid: ‘Yes, of course. Well done, Wilson.’
Sergeant: ‘Only wish I could do the same again, sir. But I’m sorry to say I’ve been fatally wounded, sir.’
Captain Languid: ‘Oh, dear. Well, get that wound seen to, Sergeant.’
Sergeant: ‘Thank you, sir, very kind of you. What a wonderful gentleman!’
Captain Languid: ‘And if the worst should happen, I’m sure we can get you some sort of posthumous gong. My uncle is the chap in charge of that sort of thing.’
Sergeant (sitting up and saluting, shouts): ‘Sir!’ (Sinking back.) ‘It’ll mean a lot to Mrs Wilson and the toddlers, poor little fatherless mites.’ (Groans.) ‘What . . . a . . . wonderful gentleman.’
George the Barman (polishing a glass meditatively): ‘Oh, yes, that Captain Languid, I remember him well. Used to come in here and always ask for nine oysters. Not half a dozen or a dozen, but nine. What a gentleman! They don’t make ’em like that anymore. I remember the Fat Man as well. Oh yes, not likely to forget him. We couldn’t have him in the bar towards the end, literally couldn’t fit him in. What a gentleman, though! One of the old school, didn’t go in for all this dieting, dear me, no.’