In the panic of coming to the end of an affair they were filled with equal parts hunger and agony. It was exactly the kind of mood that made lovers demand impossible things of each other and suffer temporary insanity. He demanded she admit she couldn’t cope with being in love with a ski bum who had no ambition beyond enjoying life as much as possible. She demanded he make an effort, at least, to fit into a world in which she would have the challenge she craved and he could fish, hunt, ski, boat and do anything he wanted on the money she would earn. He said he would cut his throat before he’d live off a woman, and she said she’d only die a painful death without intellectual stimulation. She needed long hours. Relaxation of the type he loved was harder for her than anything else in life. However impossible it was for him to understand, she relaxed by reading philosophy and physics.

John said that was garbage. And he honestly thought it was.

The way it ended was even more ridiculous than the rest of it had been. She said she was going to go back to Stanford to think things through, to at least get her divorce taken care of. And he said—it was still hard for him to believe—he actually said, “Good. Go. It was fun, but we’re just from two different worlds. I’m not up to this, anyway.”

When that made her cry, he didn’t hold her and say he was sorry. He didn’t try to take it back. For a brief moment he really believed he wanted someone “regular.” That’s what you think when you’re twenty-seven and stupid.

Then, when she was gone, he had called, written, even braved asking Jess, “How are you getting on? Need anything done around the house?”

“No, my daughter was here, but she’s gone home now,” Jess had said, as if that were an answer.

John felt thoroughly rejected. After a hard-hitting four-month depression and more failed attempts to reach Leigh, he quickly married a pretty young woman named Cindy who was “regular” and whom, though he didn’t know it at the time, he did not love. Their happiness had lasted only a month or so, although their divorce took much longer.

He often wished there was some way to find out if Leigh had really left because she wanted to or if he had driven her away.