“It’s hard enough to live the double life I do with my State Department cover as an analyst. Being able to shift personas and work people is not my strongest point. Yes, I’m good tactically, but I don’t think I have what it takes to be cutthroat in the field. And you have to be. People’s lives are literally on the line. The top guys are caught up with how I look on paper—my language skills, my academics—but in the field, executing on all of those things with real people is not easy.”

That made sense to him. “You’re too transparent. You don’t want to work an asset and tell lies and weave up a story, do you?”

She shook her head. “No, and that’s what’s required. I keep telling everyone that, but they just keep pushing it. The Honduras op was a bit different because I wasn’t working any assets. I was just executing a mission and providing intel and analysis.”

“You didn’t even mention the danger element.”

She gave him a smile. “There’s danger in every part of life. I have to rely on God’s protection whether I’m running a field op or driving to the grocery store. It’s all in His hands.”

She’d come back to the faith topic again. He was still struggling with how to verbalize his issues with her.

“I take it from your silence that you disagree with me. What changed, Hunter? I know what strong faith you used to have. I lived it with you for three years.”

“I wish I could make you understand why I feel the way I do. There’s just a big gulf between God and me. I don’t know how to explain it, but I feel cold, unwanted. Numb.”

“Did you stop going to church?”

It went much deeper than just church attendance. “Yeah, a while ago. I wasn’t connecting anymore, and it felt a bit hypocritical to keep going, given my feelings.”

“Maybe it’s just time for a change. Try out a different church.”

“That requires effort.”

“Are you saying you don’t want to put forth effort anymore when it comes to God?”

Ouch. “Well, when you put it that way, it sounds awful, but I’m trying to be brutally honest with you. No sugarcoating, just telling you exactly how I feel. What I’ve been struggling with.”

She touched his arm. “I’m not judging you, Hunter. I’m just trying to understand what the root cause of the issue is.”

“I don’t know the answer to that either.”

“You’re not alone. God is still here. Here with us right now, and I’m not going anywhere either.” She paused. “Maybe you don’t think He’s in your life because you don’t want Him there.”