I never imagined I would become a secretary. When I was little, when people asked me what I wanted to be I said, ‘a doctor’ just like thousands of other kids. But my mum noticed how diligent and orderly I was. I loved making catalogues of my school subjects, a budget for how I would spend my allowance, grocery lists. I was crazy about categorising. In my room I separated my music cassettes into different boxes according to genre. I could even tell you what clothes I would wear two weeks from Friday. Mum mocked me, ‘You’re better suited to being a secretary than a doctor.’

After high school I went to a secretarial academy. I did it in part to maximise my potential and in part because to be a doctor you have to like biology and the only thing I liked about biology was taxonomy. In the end, I realised that my decision to study at Tarakanita Secretarial Academy was the right one; I graduated with top marks.

—

I live in the caves of darkest night, enveloped in grey mist. I know neither morning nor dew. I dare not challenge the light; I’m not like anyone else. I am obsessed with red. Red pooling in continuous flow, reminiscent of fresh fish.

I thirst for blood.

I am a black butterfly with wings of velvet. I dart into corridors, drawn by the vortex of the night. She doesn’t know my pain, my moans, my passion. She closes all the windows to drive away my ungainly thirst.

I started work in a consulting company. I always ironed my work jacket and skirt as smooth as could be. They matched the office’s cool mahogany floors and walls, which were a shade of chocolate milk. Brown is a classic colour; it always looks elegant. Want to look more professional? Wear brown or black. Funny, I used to think dark colours stood for evil and bright colours for good.

Sometimes I seek rats, dogs, anything at all. I am too weak to open my eyes. I can’t bear it, I’m so thirsty. If only I could exchange my soul for blood.

I was secretary to the marketing manager. My desk, always neat and tidy, was just outside my boss’s door. His name was Irwan. He was young, handsome, rich, intelligent. Of course, he had one flaw: a wife. This was a problem for him because he had to work desperately to cover up his many affairs. (At least, that’s what I heard on my first day.) It was a problem for me too because I had to keep my distance; the intense familiarity of our daily interactions might give him the wrong impression. I’d heard of office romances but I’d never had the desire to take part in one.