When I finally worked up enough nerve to come out, I slipped a note in her locker in between classes.

ME: I left something in your locker. A note. Plz don’t say anything.

LEILA: omg please don’t tell me you’re in love with me

LEILA: you’re in love with me, aren’t you?

LEILA: I have that effect on boys

ME: LOL

When she finally saw the note, she texted:

LEILA: OMG CHASE! I knew it! I totally called it. It was so obvious.

ME: Thanks?

LEILA: You’re welcome! And btw, I love you, hope you know that!

LEILA: This is literally the best thing that’s ever happened to me btw

The response was typical Leila, centered on herself, making me sound like a shiny gay bauble to be collected. I think that’s why I told her first. I liked the idea that it wouldn’t be about me, but then her reaction soured my stomach because I realized it really should be about me. I wanted more. More than just a “yeah, I knew,” like my identity was some sort of running bet.

Rae was entirely different. Like, worlds apart. Aside from being slightly peeved that I’d told Leila first, she hugged me and told me she loved me just the same. She asked me how I was feeling, and she sat with me in silence as I processed. She even held my hand as I came out to Mom and Taylor, who were unsurprisingly amazing. Dad was kind of emotionless but made sure to tell me he still loved me. He still doesn’t know I’m nonbinary. At least, not from me directly. I’m sure he’s seen the article on The BuzzWord and chooses to ignore it; he still says shit like, “Be a man!” if I’m having a tough day.

A few years later, when we were seniors, and I started mining my gender identity, exploring terms like nonbinary or genderqueer or genderfluid, and rejecting heteronormative gender labels, I didn’t feel the need to pronounce that to anyone. Especially not Leila. It was—and is—nobody’s business but mine. Period.

Instead, I spent months animating a black-and-white short about a knight who always felt uncomfortable being forced into rigid male-appropriate armor, so one day when the queen was throwing out old garments, he snuck them back to his chambers and tried them on. I set it to Lady Gaga’s “Chromatica II” transition into her song “911,” and the second the knight tries on an opulent, gemstone-studded ball gown, he transforms into a fabulous medieval drag queen who ignites the entire kingdom in glorious color. It was fun, silly. I never expected another video to go viral when I uploaded it to YouTube, but it exploded.

Suddenly I was being interviewed by The BuzzWord and having to talk about what it meant to be nonbinary, even though I didn’t understand it myself. It felt easier to just let people find out that way, so I wouldn’t have to come out to them.