I ran a hand over my face and sighed again. “I’m realizing I know a lot less about dealing with this situation than I thought I did.” I let out a tired laugh at that. “I’m not even sure why I would think I was equipped for any of it. It’s not like I’ve had to deal with this particular issue before.”

Patrice raised an eyebrow, but he was not giving me anything.

As I started coming up with a response, things became clearer for me too. “Domestic violence, sexual assault...those are black-and-white things. It’s not hard to go on a righteous rant about someone hurting their loved ones. As far as I’m concerned anyone who’s out there defending rapists can fuck right off. With this, every step of the way I feel like I am fucking it up, or worse, trying to get people I thought shared my views to admit that there’s even an issue.”

Patrice looked at me for a few moments as if calculating what I wasn’t saying, but when he spoke the understanding in his voice felt like grace I didn’t deserve. “Not ignoring it, letting the public know you’re addressing it, is a first step.”

I made a noise between resignation and frustration.

“I’m going to talk to Sheriff Day. I’m not anywhere near done with this.” I sounded more sure than I felt and Patrice looked like he was reading right through me.

“So are you going to ask him to hold the deputies pulling that shit accountable?”

“That’s exactly what I’m going to do.”

Patrice just picked up his fork and kept eating. After a minute he spoke again. “I’m glad you’re talking to the sheriff but, I’m just going to give you this to think about, and then I’d like to get off this topic. It’s never been ‘a couple of bad apples’ issue. Removing one or two guys may be a temporary solution or appease a few people, but it’s not what will fix things in the long run. That fix involves a lot more discomfort and painful conversations than getting the two guys who can’t keep their shit in check in trouble.”

He was right and yet, I knew that it was probably as much as I would get from Day. It was hard to hear, and even harder to acknowledge, that the best solution I could come up with was not going to fix anything.

“I don’t want to fuck this up, or make it worse by trying to help.”