I frowned, wondering if there had been another stop. I quickly opened another tab on my browser and went to the Ithaca Star’s website since they usually put stuff up really fast, but when I got to the homepage my heart almost beat out of my chest. There was a video up and the face behind the play icon was none other than Easton’s.

The headline to the article read, Easton Archer Withdraws from DA Race and Speaks about Recent Traffic Stops.

I only realized I’d been holding my breath when I heard Ari’s voice calling my name loudly. I shook myself out of the trance I was in and answered, as I tried to read the article at the same time. “Sorry. I was looking at the Star’s website. Easton pulled out of the race?”

“Sounds like it, but you should see the video, Patrice. He talks about you, without giving names of course,” he said, as if he knew what I’d get hung up on. “You won’t believe all the stuff he said, I wonder if it’s going to affect his job?” Ari’s astonishment made me hit play on the video, my heart racing as the camera zoomed in on Easton’s face. He had smudges under his eyes like he did when he was not getting any sleep, and my heart lurched knowing I was at least partly responsible for that.

I spoke into the phone as the woman in the video introduced Easton. “Ari, let me call you back, okay?”

“Sure, P. We’ll talk later.”

I ended the call and increased the volume as she asked the first questions. With every word he said, the need to go and talk to him, to see him, went from an urge to an absolute need. By the time he told the interviewer that he hadn’t done the work to be a DA yet, I had my coat on and was slinging my backpack on my shoulder. When I stepped out into the cold November air, I thought about the things Easton said in that interview, the way he took responsibility for his actions. He had always done that, owned his mistakes.

I got into my car and set up the phone so that I could listen to the interview one more time. As I made the short drive to my building I thought about all the ways that Easton had put himself out on the line in our relationship. How he stayed hopeful and open even when I told him over and over we could never work. What Priscilla told me was true, I’d let the fear of letting someone in shut me off from really leaning in to the things that brought me joy.