Aha! I thought. Just like firemen.

"So how do you know Emily's cow is a bull when all you can see is the head?" Lucille demanded of her husband.

"Because he has horns," he repeated. "Bulls have horns."

"And they're supposed to have balls, but if you can't see his balls, how do you know he has any?"

"You don't always need to see someone's balls to know he has them."

Hmm. I wondered if Dick was making a commentary about bulls or himself.

Lucille did a sarcastic eye roll. "It's a steer."

"A bull," said Dick.

This is what happened when people raised on Iowa grain farms decided to talk animal husbandry. It seemed a good time to intervene. I raised my voice to be heard above the fray. "I told you where I was when Shirley fell off the cliff. Why don't you tell me where you were because I can't believe all of you were together every minute of every hour we spent on that mountain."

Silence. Followed by an exchange of more cryptic looks.

"I went to the ladies' room by myself," confessed Helen.

"So did I," said Jane. "The vegetable lasagna was good, but it didn't sit very well, if you know what I mean."

I arched my brow at the two Dicks. "All right," said Dick Teig. "I'll own up. Rassmuson and I followed Stolee around for a little while when he was filming the sunbathers in front of the hotel. And then we all headed off in separate directions to take a few pictures."

"Sunbathers?" said Helen, thwacking him on the shoulder. "You were ogling sunbathers?"

"What about you, Lucille?" I prodded.

"I can account for every minute I was on that mountain, and I was always with someone. So there."

"Even in the ladies' room?"

"I didn't use the ladies' room."

A collective intake of breath around the table. Either Lucille Rassmuson was a very cool liar, or she had the longest set of pipes known to man.

"And furthermore," she continued, "that cow on Emily's watch looks like he's been castrated, so that would make it a steer."

"It can't be a cow if it's been castrated," Jane Hanson spoke up. "You can only castrate bulls."

"That still makes it a steer," spat Lucille.

"So the animal on Emily's watch isn't a cow?" said Helen.

Jane's voice was strained. "It could be a heifer with horns."

"A heifer?" snarled Dick Rassmuson. "That's a bunch of bull."

Helen looked confused. "Are you saying there's no such thing as a cow?"

"A heifer becomes a cow after she's given birth," said Jane. "And all cattle are born with horns, but farmers remove them for safety reasons."

"How do you know so much about cows?" I asked.

"Hoard's Dairyman. Aisle five."

"Who said anything about cattle?" Lucille wanted to know.

"Could the animal on Emily's watch be an ox?" Helen asked. "Oxen have horns, don't they? I just don't know if they have balls."