‘That’s okay,’ she said quickly. She felt a stab of guilt then. She knew how much Paul had been struggling with the IVF, but she hadn’t tried to help, had she? It was like with Alice, she’d seen her struggling, but she’d felt powerless to assist when her own pain was so raw. It was like she was in a glass box, watching her friends and family moving around her, but she was unable to break out, to live beyond the confines of her grief. Her husband had needed her, and she’d deserted him and he couldn’t do it any more. It was her fault. ‘We can delay it. Wait for a bit—’

‘No,’ he said, his eyelashes batting as he struggled to make himself clear. ‘I’m done. I’m leaving.’ He couldn’t bear to append a ‘you’ to his sentence, but Jules understood. They both understood. It was over.

She was staring at him now, her eyes and mouth open wide. She’d never seen him like this. Never felt his easiness solidify into something more resolute. She felt the barrier between them as though it were a physical wall; he had created his own glass box.

‘You can’t,’ she said, disbelieving. ‘Please, Paul, let me explain.’

‘No.’ He was firm.

‘You’re right. I did do it again. But I won it all back! Everything. And more. Almost two hundred grand! Enough to pay off my debts and for two, maybe three, more cycles! I’ll transfer it to you now. And then I’ll close my accounts.’

‘I can’t, Jules. I can’t live my life always waiting for the next time. How do you think this weekend has been for me? I’ve been frantic. Ever since you left. Trying to speak to you. Trying your friends. And when I spoke to Nina yesterday and she said you were asleep, I knew. I knew you’d been up all night. And they couldn’t see it!’ he said incredulously. ‘Your friends couldn’t even see it. Because you’re so good. You’ve got so good at lying’ – Jules flinched – ‘that your oldest friends can’t even tell. I hoped…’ He faltered. ‘I hoped you’d tell them. Or I hoped they’d see. Or I hoped…’ He was waving his arms around as though conducting an orchestra, summoning a sweet melody that might save them. ‘…that being with them would help you see how far in you are. How far away you are from the Jules I know.’ He had his hands on his chest now, as though his heart had arrested and needed kick-starting.

‘It’s not the gambling. It’s the—’ She gestured at her abdomen.

‘I couldn’t have a baby with you like this, Jules,’ he said softly. ‘Even if we were able to.’

His words hung in the air. Years of trying. Years of failure and disappointment and grief and he wouldn’t have a baby with her even if he could. The rejection permeated every part of her, every muscle tightened. She felt light-headed and her teeth began to chatter. She tried to keep talking. While he was still here, there was still hope.