He kept trying, little pinpricks in my life, and it exploded with the dinner party, because the idea was terrifying now, I was lost in my own despair and I did not think I could manage such an event. I was afraid, I think, that I might collapse under it, that it would be the one thing that would finally weigh me under. I don’t know why that particular event, so normal, signalled such disaster to me then.

“Look Abra,” Stephen said, almost pleading, trying to understand. “We’ve got to. It’s our turn. I don’t see why it’s such a problem for just one evening. The cleaning woman can come in that day, and that woman who always cooks and her daughter, and all you’ll have to do is get your hair done and put on a dress. It’s just one night. Anyway, there’s no choice; it’s our turn.”

But I was almost crazy with fear. I would have done anything to avoid it, and in my anguish, I did a terrible, hurting thing to Stephen.

“Look,” I said, and my voice was trembling with anger, “I don’t give a shit whose turn it is. They’re your friends, not mine, you need them, I don’t, and I don’t want them in my house anymore. They’re just make-believe people, they make me sick, being with them makes me sick, you make me sick, you’re one of them.” I listened to what I had said and was stunned.

Stephen’s face was white, so very white, and it was he who looked frightened now, bewildered, wondering how we had reached this point without his knowing. I also hadn’t known we were at this point, and suddenly I was unbearably sad, looking at this unhappy, gentle man who had done everything he could. And only asked such a little thing of me, my end of the bargain, so to speak, and I had turned on him.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean any of that. I’m so stupid, I don’t know what’s happening to me, I’m sorry.” I was beside him now, my arms around him, pulling him toward me, and he was limp, hostile but not resisting. I cried for a few moments, my head on his shoulder, for I really did not know what was happening.

“We have to talk about it,” he said quietly, at last. “Something’s wrong, obviously, something’s been wrong for a long time, and I can’t tell what it is. What’s the matter? What is it, Abra? I can help, I want to help, but you never tell me what it is. Can’t you trust me to try?”