And then I was falling, falling, drifting back, away, and I could no longer touch the forms and they could no longer reach me, and as I fell my outline and form changed, grew full until I was a body, filled in; and I could feel again, felt a sadness at falling away, so that the emotions were coming back, filling up again like the body, and finally I was back in the bed, looking up at the figures from a distance, and it seemed to me that they were slowing down, were not touching any more, and I watched and watched until I could see that they were patterns in the ceiling; and then they were no longer patterns, simply cracks, and then my eyes were closed and I was asleep.

It was almost the end of the sickness when I woke up. Thirsty again, I finished what was in the glass of water beside the bed. I lay still for a long time, my mind almost clear, but not yet willing to test my body, feeling it still weak beneath the covers. I wondered how I had been so sick, for my body had never collapsed on me before, I had been sick but never like this, and I was frightened that such a thing could happen, that I might be helpless. I thought about dying, remembered being in the kitchen with the McAllisters standing over me.

It seemed that it would have been a very simple thing to die, not painful or difficult, no clinging to life because I had been in no condition to cling to anything, and gradually my fright became calm. I thought, “Yes, I might have died”; and then “Yes, I might yet die here, alone, with no one to help or be with me, no one to know for days or weeks or even months.” And I went back with my clear mind into crossing that infinite floor, and saw that it could not have been so dreadful if I had simply put my head down and given in. Sometime, when I was older and the body was weaker, I would not have the strength to keep going; when that time came, surely I would recognize it, know it was all right, and submit.

It was good. It seemed to me I could look directly at death now and say, “I’m not afraid, it will be simple to slip away, nothing can hurt at the point of death, there is no pain.” I did not wish for death, being surrounded by life. But I wasn’t afraid of it, would not be again, and that was the greatest freedom. There was nothing left I could not dare.

I slept again, and finally, when I woke, it was time to move, the body was very weak but it had to be fed, had to move to feed itself, and having faced death, I wanted to live.