Kate snapped, "I read that book too."

His eyes narrowed a trifle, but his face remained unperturbed. Be patient with the patient. We do not blame. He said kindly, "Will you think it over for a few days? If you feel you want to start treatment, we'll try to decide what methods might be most effective in your case."

Of course, Kate thought, there's always lobotomy. Or maybe they could just bash my head in with an axe, it would be quicker and kinder. She said falsely, "Thank you."

“How about coming in and letting me know your decision, say a week from today?"

"That would be fine."

She waited while he wrote her name on his appointment pad and made out a reminder card for her, in a small neat hand.

It's no good, she thought, pulling on her tweed coat and going out into a fine drizzle of winter rain. I knew it wouldn't be any good. Why do I let myself be talked into these things?

To Erika, sitting patiently in front of an empty coffee cup at the corner drugstore, she said, "It was like I thought it would be. They all say the same things. They all think they know the answers, and they haven't even found out what the questions are.

Erika looked at the cup. "What did you tell him?"

"I didn't tell him about us, if that's what you mean. I don't trust him. I made an appointment,'' Kate admitted, sinking into a chair as if she had just realized how tired she was, "but I'm not going to keep it."

Nothing showed in Erika's face. She said, "Well, that's for you to decide. It's your neurosis."

"Anybody who wants it is welcome to it. I wish you wouldn't always be so damn reasonable."

Erika laughed. "I have to be. You're so damn unreasonable, somebody has to maintain a balance."

"Look, this is no laughing matter. I'm not a five-by-three card you can put away in a box and shut the cover on. I'm a human being."

Erika was silent.

"Okay, go ahead. Say it. I'm not much of a human being, why hang on to such a lousy personality?" Kate took the coffee that was set in front of her. "I don't know. It belongs to me, that's all. I'll go along with you on one thing, you'd be better off without me.

"I didn't say that."

"You're thinking it."

"If you don't want therapy, don't have it. In a way it's my problem too," Erika said, "but you have to figure it out for yourself."

"I can't see any way to work it out." Kate closed her eyes. "I wish something would happen."

"Something probably will," Erika said. "You may he sorry when it does."

CHAPTER 19

Suddenly in early March it was spring. A treacherous spring, with a threat of freezing in the air for the new prickles of green grass, but with promise too. One Sunday afternoon Erika looked around the park with quiet pleasure. "Ein schöner Tag. A beautiful spring day. When I was a child my father used to take us to the park on days like this, only later in the year. With the sky full of little white clouds."