I plunge the key into the lock and it turns with a clunk. I walk in and call out Darren’s name, to tell him I’m home, before realising he’s not here and is probably gone for good. A mixture of emotions mingle in my stomach. Perhaps it was a mistake to break up with him, maybe he was right; maybe I hadn’t tried hard enough in the aftermath of the attack. Then I rebuke myself. He’d suggested that having the chance of becoming a mother literally stabbed away from me was nothing more than unfortunate. I decide that I have made the correct decision after all, and that he can go and fuck himself.

Feeling emotionally drained after my first counselling session, I drag myself up the stairs and fall into bed, fully clothed. I plug the charger into my phone and place it on the bedside table having set my alarm for the morning. I drift off within seconds.

10

The jolly alarm tone rings out through the darkness, wandering into my dream like an unwelcome visitor, cutting it short. I grope in the general direction of the noise, unwilling to open my eyes, and hit the snooze button, allowing myself the luxury of an extra ten minutes under the duvet. Pulling the covers over my head, I contemplate the day ahead of me, one I’ve selfishly been dreading for a few months; my sister’s baby shower.

I feel guilty for feeling this way; for a long time, I wasn’t even sure I wanted to have children. In my early twenties, I was so focussed on my career, striving to get as far as possible as quickly as I could. The thought of having children hadn’t even been considered. Surely they’d just hold me back, prevent me from doing the thing I’d trained for years to do.

As I’d entered my late twenties, the pitter patter of tiny feet started to become something of a consideration. My career had progressed in accordance to my expectations and I’d been with a caring boyfriend for a number of years. The time felt right.

And then, a year ago, almost all hope of ever being a mother had been snatched away from me. Now, it’s all I want. I long to hold a baby, my baby, as it drifts off to sleep in my arms. I yearn for time spent chasing the little one as it toddles around a garden in full bloom and my heart breaks each and every time I realise that this will probably never, ever happen.

When the alarm sounds again, I force myself out of bed, recoiling as my bare feet make contact with the frigid wooden floorboards. I grab a fresh towel from the airing cupboard and head to the bathroom, stepping into the shower and enjoying the hot water cascading over my body. I stay in the shower for longer than necessary and when I’m done, I dry myself quickly and pull on the dress I save for special occasions.