“They’re eggs carved out of semiprecious stones, like jade. You stick them up your”—she dropped her voice, before looking down at her hands clasped in her lap—“you know.”

I did not know, and I’m sure my face conveyed that. I tried to think of all the places you could stick an egg. It was a short list, and I wasn’t sure it was a good one.

I stroked the bird, checking his eyes and beak. Despite being underweight, he looked healthy. His color was good, his eyes bright and alert. I decided to guess. “You stick them in your vagina?” Please let that be it. I mean, adults, do what you want with your bodies, but I personally had no desire to stick an egg up anything.

Unless it was a sex thing? Please let it be a sex thing. I was a lot more understanding about sex. The animal kingdom had given me a fairly broad interpretation of “sex,” and as long as it was between consenting adults, I was all for it.

“Yes,” she said, nodding, and it took me a second to remember she was responding to my vagina question. “It’s supposed to strengthen your muscles and help you meditate.”

I would find it really difficult to meditate with anything stuck up my vagina, but then I had a hard time meditating, period. “Phoenix eggs aren’t cheap.”

She shrugged. “I got it off Mage’s List. Someone was selling it at decent price, and it was pretty.”

There was so much to unpack there. How much were yoni eggs that a phoenix egg seemed cheap by comparison? Or had the seller not realized what they had? Was it listed as used? I really hoped she’d sanitized it, because you didn’t want to introduce foreign bacteria into what my roommate Van referred to as “Fort Vajay.” Van also sometimes referred to sex as “storming the gates.”

Focus. I needed to focus. I was teetering dangerously close to judgmental cat thoughts now, which, while fun, weren’t always helpful.

“I can see that. They’re very pretty.” And I could. Phoenix eggs were gorgeously jewel-toned.

She fidgeted with her hair, smoothing a few wisps that had escaped her ponytail. “I tried using it, but then it got hot. Really hot. I have to go to the doctor after this and make sure everything is okay down there.” She shook her head. “I’m going to sue the person who put this up as a yoni egg.” Ms. Davis grabbed her purse. “Are we done here? My doctor appointment is in thirty minutes and I want to leave time for traffic.”

I blinked at her. “You’re just going to leave? You know birds bond, right?” I lifted Dammit up. He chirped. So cute. “He thinks you’re his mother. If you need help learning to care for him, we have some literature—”

Ms. Davis scrunched her nose. “I already told you. I don’t want a familiar.”

Okay, back to my original plan—rehoming. “I understand. We can help you find a good home for him. With my mentor’s help, we can transition the bird over to his new owner in about a week if we really—”