In the end I gave Etienne the version Dad and I had reworked, but to be honest I wasn’t all that happy about it. The spelling, that’s one thing, but in terms of the overall flavour, I preferred the original version. Marie said I was like Christian in the play Cyrano de Bergerac. It didn’t mean much to me, but apparently it’s about a man who writes a letter to a girl on behalf of another man. Still, one should never complain about being compared to a hero of literature.

“Do you think he needed to check his grammar, this Christian?” I asked her.

Anyway, here’s what the final version looked like:

Since I first heard your name,

I’ve felt completely lame.

Love’s arrow’s in my heart:

It’s tearing me apart.

When I see your little hand

Taking notes in class, it’s grand.

When I see your fingers scribble,

I’d love to take a nibble.

If I could only be your pen

I’d surely never be sad again.

My ink would be my tears

Because in all my years

I’ve never been so close

To such a lovely nose.

Your chubby cheeks, your granite jaw

You’ve no idea how I adore!

I know I can be a bit of a clown.

I know that you might turn me down:

But I can only do my best

To make my heart a little nest

Where the love of my life can rest.

It was funny to see Etienne and Warty Toadskin, arm in arm, holding hands, gazing into each other’s eyes. I’d achieved something at least. To start with, I’d assumed Etienne was only attracted to Warty Toadskin on account of the hormones, because he had a theory.

“You see,” he’d explained, “it’s the ugliest girls who are the most up for it.”

“Oh, right…”

“Of course, it’s logical. Warty Toadskin is the ugliest girl in school, isn’t she?”

“Well, one of the ugliest anyway. You’d need specialists to choose between them.”

“So Warty Toadskin must be one of the most up for it in the school, if not the most.”