“Take a few deep breaths and center yourself,” she says. “Breathe and watch my hands while you think about the questions in your life, your hopes and dreams and aspirations and confusion, and try to focus, even as confusing and as difficult as it may be, and when you want me to stop shuffling the cards tell me to stop.”

“Stop,” I say.

She pushes them over for me to cut the deck, which I do. I’ve already told her why I’m here. I’m just waiting for her to lay down ten cards, which she is doing now. I watch closely. The first card is a Ten of Cups, reversed, which shows a happy couple with two children dancing under a rainbow. The second one is a Ten of Wands.

“All right, Janelle,” Zina says, looking at the first two cards and then straight at me. “Clearly there’s a lot of strife and difficulty here. You said you’re already familiar with the cards, but if you don’t mind, I’d like to tell you what they mean today, in this specific context, okay?”

“Okay.” One thing I do know is that when a card is reversed it’s somewhat messed up.

“The first card—the Ten of Cups, reversed here—indicates that something in your home life has gone very wrong, and there are some violent feelings here: anger and deceit. Would you say this is true?”

“Yes I would.”

“And card number two, the Ten of Wands, represents your obstacles. The figure on the card is carrying a heavy load: all the burdens of the situation, you might say. Conflicts and problems. What could this figure do?”

I know she’s not waiting for my answer, so I just continue to sit still, and listen.

“Well, he could throw his burdens behind him and try a new direction. Or, on the other hand, if he does, if he throws the sticks down and tries to pass over them, he’ll stumble over them all over again. We’ve got a negative situation in your past. Great strain from holding up all the things you have been trying to hold up. So—the question is: are you going to do things differently? As always with the Tarot, your own choice is bound up with what your destiny will become, so your choices are important.”

I just nod as if I understand, and I think I might in fact be beginning to.

“I see some resistance, though. Look at the card below these two, which relates to the foundation or basis of the situation—the Two of Cups reversed. To me, this suggests a relationship that has gone bad, in which there never was equality, or a split between what you do and what you feel. Now, take a look at this card, which represents yourself as you see yourself: the Five of Cups. There’s a man in a cape, with his back turned. What do you think he’s turned his back on?

“I don’t know.”

“He’s staring at what he’s lost, not at what he still has.”